not a bride yet

naps

2011-07-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

the car seat nap. an invaluable tool. this is old he has shunned the bink.

now HERE is a fascinating topic. the nap schedule. which is different depending on what book you read. the plan i am following is that he has 2.5 hours of wake time at once. which, i can tell, is pretty accurate. he gets tired doing all that crawling and trying to stand. the problem with this schedule is: how can you go out and do anything in 2.5 hours? it's really tough. it takes about 35 minutes to change diaper and take off my sweats and wear something suited for the public. also, he eats right after he naps. and he is a gourmet type. he takes a while and really enjoys himself.

before i had a kid i thought people who are slave to the naps were, well, wusses. come on, you can only have a 30 minute lunch with me? the answer to that is yes, that's all i got. and the reason is that the naps make the night time sleep better. and i mean better. yesterday his naps were TIGHT and he slept from 7 pm to 6 am. with two little cry episodes at 1130 and at 2. for ten minutes each. that is progress for my baby. usually the wake up and cry time is closer to an hour. if i can keep having that kind of night i will do almost anything. and the naps are what you have to do to get that.

some people's kids will nap anywhere. car seat is my only other option. i see other babies in strollers, on mom at lunch, at friends' houses in any of the contraptions. henry no likey. i have tried.

the things people say to you:

wow that kid is really ruling your household.

you can make an exception this once. (**listen i am social. i have daily opportunities to make an exception)

really he will ONLY sleep at home?

just bring him to dinner, we don't mind.

you should feed him more, he will sleep better. (** don't even. see previous post.)

so the good news is that he is going to grow up soon and have just one nap midday. this is all temporary. and the bad news is that he is going to grow up soon. it's sad to think of this baby phase being a memory. he is just so edible and perfect to me.

food

2011-07-06T21:10:00.001-07:00

feeding a baby is hard!!

first of all, it's another thing to do in a day. not that there aren't stretches of boredom in our average day. but lots of times there doesn't seem like we have a spare minute.

secondly, he gets so dirty and the floor and the whole area. i need a hose. it takes forever to clean up. i usually throw away the clothes he's wearing. it's just a waste. i can't use real stain remover because it's toxic. so nothing comes out.

thirdly, of course i am making his food. and i thought i don't need a special baby food maker i have a food processor. yeah it is not really suited. it's a little big to puree a tablespoon of food. and one food four times in a row to catch allergies. so i have to go to the store daily to make sure it's fresh and not all brown from yesterday.

and now i have to start doing it two and then three times a day! one is tough. we are so behind the curve already. he's 8.5 months and still on first foods. which really doesn't bother me because i am glad he's still getting full force breast milk.

i think i said it before. food issues? coming out full on. magnified. unsure if dairy should be eaten? what about gluten? how do you feel about sugar? and cholesterol, butter, red meat? how important do you think organic is? what about grass fed free range and pastured animals? since i love sushi do i feed him white rice? and on and on.

maybe i should go back to work and stop sweating it.

other people's relationships

2011-06-20T16:34:00.001-07:00

ok that's not entirely true. it was my relationships too for a long long time. why are women so incredibly willing to be stepped on? it drives me insane. i have a theory but it's not correct i recently found out.

i had a boyfriend that i lived with who went on vacation by himself because i didn't have enough money to go too. i had a boyfriend who loved booze much more than he loved me. i had a boyfriend who didn't care enough to practice safe sex when i requested that. i had a boyfriend who cheated and i took him back. i had a boyfriend who moved on and i pined and pined after him. i have a few friends whose boyfriends hit on me and they blamed me. ( i swear i am not one of THOSE women). i have a friend whose boyfriend flew a hooker into his vacation spot when she couldn't come. what the f? what self respecting woman would put up with any of that? i could go on too. but i won't it's too sad. i have a hard enough time listening to my friends justify their loser guy's behavior.

so i had a theory. that a dad's presence and love could make a girl confident enough to say "ok he just isn't that into me" (to borrow a phrase) and move on. a girl who had the love and attention of her number one guy- dad- could tell the difference between love and like and lust. and not stand for poor treatment. know that when a guy stops calling or treats you disrespectfully that you must move on. i even told michael there was no way in hell we would ever split up if we had a girl, he was so stuck with me. not that i ever want to split up with him but you know.

not that my dad is not around. he always was. but my parents divorced and there was a lot less daughter dad time than there could have been. and a lot of my friends have this in common.

but my friend recently gave me an example of a woman we know who stands for terrible treatment and who has a dad who was around. i wonder if this is the total story, i don't know her that well. regardless. if i have to listen to one more story of a woman dealing with this crap i don't know what i will do. i do have many friends with fantastic partners don't get me wrong. they are all around. but i wonder if these fine kind men were always so. were they a little more cavalier with women's feelings when they were young maybe having fun in college?

which brings me to my role. i have a baby! i can raise him to be kind and respectful to women. of course, i don't want him to be a wimp. but i hope that besides being polite and kind that he will not use women or lead them on in any way. like have a chick that he just sleeps with and won't hang out with during the day. i am going to make this a priority. so that i do my part to rid the world of these sad sad stories. i would love to raise a strong confident woman too. we'll see.

breastfeeding

2011-06-11T14:08:00.000-07:00

classy intimation of breastfeeding. don't know where i got this but i wish i could say it's me and bebe.

i am not really sure what this blog is about except that it's my life. so i was thinking there is not much cohesion but screw it, i as a person am all over the place sometimes too.

nursing. nursing is not exactly how i thought it would be. while you are pregnant you imagine someone sucking so hard on your breast that they can get milk out. and you imagine it must really hurt. well it does-- at first. for me and most people i think. it took probably 3 weeks of nursing before it stopped hurting. that is a long period of nursing in pain. they eat every 2-3 hours at first. and by 2-3 i mean one. the time goes like this: start nursing at one. finish around 1:45. two hours later is from the time you started, so 3. and your boobs are in pain! the lanolin really really helps but it's surprising the pain. it subsides but you still get sore every once in a while. it's also hard to figure out the way you want to hold your baby. i can do it walking around now but at first i needed pillows and props and people to help. crazy to think back to that.

a non parent friend of mine asked me about people who start breastfeeding and stop before they had planned to stop. she wondered why this is so common. it got me thinking about why. i think that unless you are really very set on this path, it's easy to stop. you have this person almost clawing at you every few hours all day. it IS a bonding experience but it's also a little overwhelming depending on your mood. henry was a quiet eater until he got a little older. now in addition to eating he scratches me and kicks me and sometimes gives me a little nice tickle. mostly he pulls my hair and hits me. i am sure he means it all in the nicest way but it's a lot. it gets tough sometimes to deal with it. especially if you are sleep deprived. there are lovely times when he looks up at me and smiles and laughs and makes cute noises too.

and then there is the whole public issue. it took me a month or so but now i basically whip it out wherever. california law says i can. i think i am pretty classy about it. most people think he is sleeping i think. but it is hard on some people. for them, it's easier to put a bottle together. it's powder and you just need a bottle and some bottled water. (i am a little weirded out by the ingredients in formula so i think i had a good motivation to keep going no matter what the discomfort. corn syrup?)

and honestly speaking of time and ease. breastfeeding releases hormones in both mom and baby that make us sleepy. sometimes at home i lie there for a while and let him play even though i know he's done. i feel a little drugged. (sometimes i nurse lying down.) it's so nice and snuggly! unless he is in a crazy mood then it's just kind of funny. he will get up on all fours if he's energetic.

i think it has helped me lose weight. he's 7.5 months and i am probably 5 pounds away from where i began. a different shape mind you but weight wise i am close. every time he goes thru a growth spurt i lose a little more. it's nice. i kinda thought i would be really skinny, it's amazing how much he must take from me. but almost back to normal is not bad. my arms are pretty buff from lifting the 20 lbs a million times a day too. but that's a whole nother fitness regime i guess.

wedding recap part deux

2011-06-10T16:29:00.000-07:00

4) postage on the invites. honestly a waste of money. but i did it pretty cheaply by buying uncancelled stamps on ebay. still have a lot of bizarre stamps left.

the real envelopes

my inspiration

also really loved a certain calligrapher's style and got my best friend to copy it. it is pretty wild looking i guess but i looooved them.

5) invitations!

here's what i came up with. designed and had them letterpressed. used a marker to color the edges, it is expensive to have it done and it looked just fine.

my invites

my obsession

i guess i kind of captured the feel.

6) my backyard rehearsal dinner looked just like this. i can't find a pic but i swear it did.

food

2011-05-30T16:13:00.000-07:00

that is an avocado pit. we let him lick the avo off. he's not eating the pit.

how about a baby to put your food issues under a magnifying glass?! and all other issues while we are talking about it. it's true. another surprising thing you learn as a new mom.

this is henry's fourth meal. we started with pears and went on to avocados. he likes neither yet. the texture is freaking him out. i read about baby led weaning and so far, i have been able to avoid pureeing. yippee! and boy has this all been baby led. i looked over at brunch at our house last sunday and henry had a pear in his hand he had taken from the fruit bowl. he was on michael's lap. and he had taken a bite or two. he gummed it. so we started feeding him then.

wedding recap

2011-05-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

what you got married two years ago! so what. i was traumatized by the whole planning and throwing of it so it took me until now to not be hyper critical and be able to look back on it all calmly. instead of just normal critical. and i am copying marty, i liked her post.

in absolutely no particular order:

1.) i wanted a cooler dj a and did hire one.

but here's what happened:

a conga line. ok it's a wedding, it happens.

2.) my ring! i got what i wanted

number two. seriously, that's pretty cool right?

3.) my dress. i thought i had found it early.

and really it's very cool that i actually found that dress in a store and got to try it on. not good. too much satin and too little thigh muscle if you get my drift. but i do like my dress, which i rented. for 800 f-ing dollars. i think it was a 3500 dollar dress maybe. vera wang. oh and that is my belt from j crew. not even part of that 800. and my veil. 800 dollars i mean really come on.

i thought about having a dress made. too scared i would spend the dough and i would not like it. and there was a lot of obsessing and trying to save money. i am happy with my decision. i do not need to pass down a dress to a daughter in law who will not like it anyway.

i think i have to make this post a multi parter. so much back and forthing comparing stuff.

part four so sorry

2011-05-24T19:19:00.000-07:00

i am a little sad we didn't go to ucla for his birth. first because they have midwives and second because they have CUTER blankets and hats.

the thing is, i was pushing every time i had a contraction! they kept coming in and somberly telling me i can't do that because it made his heart decel. um. yes i can and i have to. there was no stopping it. it was kind of creepy the sounds i was making like the strongest pushing noises you can imagine. i COULD not stop. a few times michael would look me in the eye and help me to stop doing it. but it was super difficult. the nurses and doctor would come in and say "seriously you cannot do that any more" and they would leave and jessica would say "you are fine please don't worry too much. " she was convinced the pushing was just helping to dilate my cervix. fyi i had already effaced almost 100% a week before. in case you care.

side note: jessica was coaching me thru contractions mostly but about half way thru, when they moved us to labor and delivery (a good sign) michael started to help and it was a nice little bonding time. he just kept me focused on getting thru each round of PAIN. i kept saying i can't do this and jess kept saying all you have to do is get thru the next 5 minutes. ok i can do that. michael watched and learned and then stepped in at some point. he was a great coach very impressed.

when i arrived around 3 am after 3 hours of PAIN i was 3 cm dilated. shit you need ten. i was a little bummed. maybe an hour later jess made the dr check again and i had progressed to maybe 4 or 5? enough to get me to labor and delivery room the place where it all goes down. or comes out. it hurts to get checked too. i think the medical people were surprised that i was progressing i am sure they were sharpening their knives for the cesarean.

in labor and delivery i remember first of all saying to michael get something for those allergies i am sure they have stuff here. and he said dumbass i am crying! well he never called me dumbass which was good. i also remember the sky. cedars has the l and d rooms that have a view of the hollywood hills. very pretty. it had been raining when we got there and while i was dilating it cleared up and the sun came up. it was a sky i had not seen before a beautiful magical sky. great symbolism. also you will remember that my mom and stepfather ed had come down from northern cal. well they stayed in the room the whole time! i guess michael tried to see if ed would take a hint and go into the lobby. but nope. he's the greek fisherman in the background of the photos. bizarre feeling to have him there but really it ended up being cool.

so sometime around seven jess made the dr check again and i was fully dilated! ha. so there i told you i didn't want surgery. it was time to start pushing. i was surprised at myself. i wanted to stay lying down in the traditional position. i thought i might get a bit primal and crouch during pushing but i didn't want to. same with all the contractions. just wanted to lie down. i really didn't expect that. so the pushing lasted between 60 and 90 minutes not sure. he was born at 9. for me, the pushing was not that bad. it stopped hurting. it was hard work though. like a tough workout. i remember thinking "he will not come out. nope not happening. " i am not sure what i thought would happen but it just didn't seem possible. they let me push when i felt contractions coming on. so every few minutes. the first long period of time feels like no progress then it kind of just happens fast. i had a nightgown on that i had brought and i had jess cut it off of me. i was just too irritated by the fabric and dealing. so i was a naked hippie lady giving birth. the doctor at one point asked if i could feel his hand on my leg. um yes why? he forgot i did not have an epidural. i guess 90 something per cent of women at cedars have one. there was a really sweet nurse on my right who was helping out, kind of telling me how to push. counting i think. and then i felt the ring of fire and then he just came right out! there he was. this part is hazy. but they put him on my chest and i remember thinking i would cry but i just kind of went oh my. my maternal feelings have increased since. don't worry. he started nursing right away, he put his thumb and my nipple in his mouth at the same time. talented already.

after three days they let us take him home even though they knew we had no idea what the hell we were doing!!!

part three

2011-05-24T13:08:00.001-07:00

the heartbeat!! it is decelerating every time i have a contraction. they have to call the doctor. (if you aren't familiar with this whole scenario you might wonder why the doctor is not there yet? because they waltz in at the last moment. ever wonder why lots of c sections are performed on friday night? so the doctor can go home duh) in my doctor's defense he was lovely when he got there. he was the voice of reason in the room. but he told me that if the heart rate nonsense keeps up he will have to do a C-SECTION! the big thing everyone wants to avoid and ends up having. i am shocked at how many of my friends have had them. it's like the whole medical industry is just scared to get into any kind of tricky situation so they just cut them out. when in doubt just do a c section.

sorry he's just woke up from his nap early. i swear i am not doing this on purpose.

part two

2011-05-20T19:26:00.000-07:00

my babies before my baby.

will there be a part three? let's see here, maybe i can finish. doubt it.

so pain. i thought i was a trooper. i have always had bad menstrual cramps and i had those pesky gallstones. i thought i had high pain tolerance. oh. my. god. it. is. so. very. painful. how are there are so many people in the world. i am sorry to say this but it is the worst pain ever. i was surprised. i can't really remember it well, they say you forget so that more kids can be born. but i know that during it i thought it was surprisingly painful.

i had done tons of reading and research because i wanted to have a natural birth. and i needed to make sure i had some modicum of control. which you cannot have but you can try. so i read about how it feels, what you should do to deal with it. other people's stories. i read a particularly inspiring book by ina may gaskin and really wished i had decided to have henry at home. it all seemed so natural and simple really. but i have always lived between two worlds and western medicine won out this time. can never decide if i am an uptown girl or downtown. uptown won out in this case i was too chicken for home birth. so anyway, all of these hippies made it sound like it feels good to have contractions. same area that can feel good, not too much of a stretch. ha.

after i had contractions for about 45 minutes we called the doula. i felt like oh my god these are fast why isn't she rushing over? i guess she's seen this before and it was midnight after all. she said do you want me there and i said yes. my mom had been coaching me (michael would not get up. dude this shit hurts get up.) and being really helpful. i was happy about having her there after all. then the doula got there. there was some haze of a shower i didn't like and me saying i want to push and the doula, jessica, said let's go to the hospital.

the car ride was a f-ing bitch. i knew it would be. i was making lots of noise. to me it seemed like a lot. jessica said it seemed pretty normal. lots of oh oh oh oh ah that type of thing. not as much swearing as i would have thought.

we got to cedars sinai and went to that room they put you in before the labor and delivery room. this part totally pissed me off. jessica was not too pleased either so i know i was not overreacting. the nurses and the doctor trainee whatever they are called had a really shitty bedside manner. they had to get a pulse on henry so they strap that thing to me. listen i am in PAIN motherfuckers. do not put that shit on me! (see why i thought i would have had more of a profane time?) they could not get a reading so now they are getting even more lame. we HAVE to HAVE this reading. then they start in with the questions. admissions questions which i have printed out the answers to on a nice piece of paper i gave them so i would not have to talk. and they asked me all of them anyway. including how many live births i have had. in front of my mother. ladies, you know what i am talking about. i did not want to announce in front of my mother and god and everyone that i have had an abortion!!!!!!!!! for the love of god. what else. oh ! i had a birth plan right? everyone has them it's the latest. among many other things my birth plan said i did not want a heplock. it's a port they can use to pour whatever meds they want into your veins. and that pre doctor person comes over and says can i ask why you don't want a heplock? have you been locked up in this hospital too long? why the f do you think i don't want one. it is uncomfortable. and you will talk me into some pitocin and it's a slippery slope from there. give me a break you know why not. i didn't drink that foul castor oil for nothing. can i ask you why... no you cannot. the kinda funny thing about this whole time period was that they asked me some question that i cannot remember and i didn't answer. then they asked if i wanted an epidural. i answered the first question by saying a really emphatic NO. so they thought i was really against the epidural. which who knows i might have taken if not for that little exchange.

so they finally get a reading on little h's heart rate and they are worried. oh no what is wrong??!

sorry michael just got home gotta go eat dinner. tbc

part one

2011-05-19T09:35:00.001-07:00

ten months baby. did you know it's actually ten not nine? well, 40 weeks.

ok so check it out. my water broke five days after my due date. and i knew that would happen i knew i would be late. hold on, let me back up.

when i was ten months pregnant everyone kept asking if i was sooooo ready. you must be so anxious to meet him. and the answer was no. i was not ready. are you serious? am i ready to give up my life, my spontaneity, my independence and have someone completely reliant upon me? hell no i am not. i will never be. so that's why i knew i would not be early. it's got to be partly mental. (like me)

i got out of bed at 7 am and it broke. i could tell because water was dripping down my leg. by the way, mine just kind of trickled all day, it was a nuisance. some people gush all at once i guess. michael was just leaving for work and i told him. and we both went oh wow this is it!! and i told him just go to work because you can just come home as soon as contractions start. sound nutty? didn't end up being nutty.

i don't really remember what i did all day. i called my mom who lives a 6 hour drive away. i figured she wouldn't get here until henry was born and that would be ok. i had a doula and she would be helping me and i was not sure if the mom daughter relationship could withstand the birth process. i imagined myself to be a bit bitchy in pain.

i called my doula. i called my doctor. because of the risk of infection, he told me he would induce within 24 hours if i didn't start contracting. i was bummed out by this. he was pretty liberal about it. he said i could call him at 7 am the next morning. which would bring us past 24 hours by the time we arrived at hospital. so he was pretty cool for a doctor.

michael stayed at work all day. every time i called he was like "well???" and no contractions. none. i kept thinking oh is that one??! nope. michael came home, my mom and stepfather arrived. we ate dinner together at our house. i remember during dinner saying hold on i feel one!!! nope never mind. called the doula again. i don't want to be induced!!! i got more scared as time passed. she suggested taking castor oil. it's a laxative but the peristalsis it induces apparently can start the contractions. i wanted to let it happen but at 10pm i just said f this i need to get going here! i sent michael to the store for the castor oil. (here's why i am bummed i threw the castor oil away) and chocolate ice cream. castor oil tastes bad.

so i took it and michael went to bed. so did ed, my step father. i think i took the castor oil ice cream sundae at around 10:30 and my contractions started at midnight. and they started like a freight train. i had imagined a slow build up that helps you deal with the pain. no sir. the first and second were ten minutes apart, the second and third were five and then it just went to two and then i lost track.

let's talk about pain. i had gallstones when i was younger, unusual but true. they are very painful. i have spoken to people who have kids and gallstones and some say the stones are worse than childbirth. because of this i thought i had a high pain tolerance.

oh! henry is crying. part two next time.

birth story

2011-05-09T09:49:00.001-07:00

this is the best pic i could find

oh my god i just finally looked at the pictures my doula took during henry's birth. wow not pretty. incredible and emotional and alive. but not pretty. big swollen face from pushing. not to mention the big swollen body. i guess it's good my vanity and modesty disappeared that day. it's back now.

on being a mother

2011-05-08T20:56:00.001-07:00

hey check out my old school sweater suit!

you know how they say it's like being in love? it's not at all like being in love. you know how they say it's the hardest thing you'll ever do but it's the best thing you'll ever do? that's not true either. somehow when people describe parenting they cannot express it eloquently enough. they can't get the meaning across. now i know what they meant but they said it wrong.

it's not like falling in love. when you can't get enough of someone and you daydream about them and you see only their beautiful qualities. and you feel a little silly around them. it's like very slowly falling in love while being the most scared you have ever been while being completely aware that you are completely irrational and really i think what they mean is that you CARE more deeply than you ever have. like more than you do about yourself. henry was crawling around on the floor with another baby the other day and she crawled away from him while he seemed to still be interested. i almost threw up i was so upset. what will happen when he is actually upset about something????????? i don't think he even cared. there is this feeling too that is a lot like guilt. i am still trying to figure it out. other mothers i have spoken to agree. i put him in bed at night and i feel guilty leaving him there. i am hoping i will come to understand this as time goes on. and then i can explain it better. instead of falling in love i would like to propose that we describe it something as a love you have never felt. what is the greek word for this love? agape. i think i somehow imagined eros. without the sexy part obviously. sorry was that creepy?

and it's not the hardest thing you will ever do. i did have a pretty tough job so maybe i am biased. i thought somehow they meant drudgery. or hard like when you have to sell something to a client who wants none of it. it's different when you have to do something difficult that you don't care so much about. it's much easier to do something difficult if you have a stake, if you will not be ok if this does not come out right. and listen, if you feel this way about your job, congratulations. but for me there is a pretty big gap between wanting my work to be outstanding and wanting henry to be raised in an outstanding way. instead of the hardest but best thing you will ever do i propose we say it's the hardest thing you will ever do that you don't mind doing. and then separately we can say it's the best thing i ever did. if that's the way we feel.

mind you i am only 6 months in what do i know? i know a new kind of love, of that i am sure.

happy mother's day

2011-05-08T20:35:00.000-07:00

you know you're old when:

michael found a thing in our friends' backyard where their 18 year old nephew has been staying. it looks like you smoke pot out of it but we really weren't sure. a straw and some foil stuff. we even kept it and asked other friends what they thought. nobody knew. i don't know, maybe we are not that old at least we half way recognized it.

my mother's day was nice, kind of like a lot of other days in my life. it was a little exciting to have all of the recognition---"it's your first mother's day!!!". i was wondering how it would feel and it was not exceptionally interesting. just nice. a nice feeling to be a member of the club.

photo from a weed forum i think: http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=277651

i feel like i never find the good stuff on etsy.

2011-05-01T08:32:00.000-07:00

someone else always does.

these are the cutest pants ever. i think i will wait for henry to walk so he can show them off.

it could partially be this extremely adorable child modeling them and his cute ottoman thing.

the photo was taken from the soil shop on etsy

oh what the hell i forgot!

2011-04-22T19:59:00.001-07:00

marty j. christopher aka not the marrying kind asked me to guest blog! it's so cool. it made me feel like a grownup again. after being a mommy for 6 months i had a deadline and an article to write. it also made me want to write/blog again. partly because i love her writing and it inspires me. and partly because i realized oh yeah i can get stuff off my chest that seems obsessive if you talk about it. here is what i wrote. i look back and think it's really only a mommy that can appreciate it. but i am hoping that mjc will be a mommy soon so we can all have that old synchronicity. sorry for the serious peer pressure marty.

me and michael

2011-04-21T19:49:00.000-07:00

see he's listening to me and making sure i am happy.

i am thinking about marriage. i was OLD when i got married. older than i ever thought i would be. only some people can plan these things, be the exact age they pictured when they marry. i am not that type.

so because i was old i was solo, independent for a long time. and i thought marriage might not be so great or easy. "oh. so you are going to be here every single day? in my home and in my bed? expecting me to respect your needs??" but i also knew that i wanted to have a family. so i conquered my doubts. i know i was supposed to say that after all this time the perfect man came along and made me realize that marriage would be easy. but really that is not how it happened. i met a really great guy and got to know him really well and realized i loved him and that this could work so we tried it out. and my mother helped too. when i complained about something michael did she said "do you want to get married or not?"

that does not sound romantic does it? wait, it will.

i think the reason i was so geriatric when i married was that i kept picking the wrong guy. all kinds of wrong guys. guys that had addiction issues guys that had commitment issues. guys that just had issues i could not deal with. guys guys guys. and the next to last guy (addiction) put me into therapy where, long story short, i realized i was picking wrong. i had to prioritize myself and my goals for my life when picking a man. like pick a nice person who wanted a family. duh seems so simple. not to mention the idea of picking. i thought they picked me. how about taking some responsibility for your life?

then i met michael. sound romantic? it's not. we were set up. at the first meeting i think we liked each other but our relationship took a little while to blossom. it went slooow. which is good for bad pickers like me. but not the stuff of movies where men sweep women off of their feet.

when we got married i knew it would work, i knew we loved each other and that we had a lot of the stuff it takes. similar backgrounds and goals for life. similar temperaments. some differences that complement each other. but i still wondered how i would deal with MARRIAGE. would i be happy -- the penultimate question.

I AM! I AM HAPPY! it's so crazy. i love being married. i love the companionship i do not feel overwhelmed or smothered. and i think it's because i picked the right guy and i was ready for sure, mature enough.

of course we have been married two years not even yet. so i could be premature. but it's really a relief and a dream to be so happy. don't get me wrong, i am not walking around giggling all day. but i feel respected, i feel loved and recognized. and i enjoy trying to make him feel the same way. you really just have to pick a very nice respectful person with whom you share life goals. it's so easy. heh heh.

do i love fonts because i love words?

2011-04-21T19:39:00.000-07:00

really good fonts here

via snippet and ink

i may not have bothered with letterpress if i had found these. although i did love my invites.

i love fonts.

like link

2011-04-20T20:21:00.001-07:00

hmmm should i change my links on the right? it's so ancient history.

super cool baby magazine

2011-04-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

oh maybe i should say kid mag. so self centered.

BABIEKINS is the name though.

where i have found a lot of great styley resources.

it's a lot like Lonnymag the online magazine that replaced print mag Domino in my mind (but not in my heart). and then domino came back online under the bride's masthead. huh? totally bizarre.

finally

2011-04-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

not crazy about the mandals. but the rest, so cute!

i have found some cool websites with clothes for henry. of course shirts are 60 bucks sweaters are 80 and so on. i just saw pants i love for 117. but at least i have a place to go for the good stuff when i am feeling flush. or for special occasions. it took me a few months to find these. so far, it's all on line. there are a couple stores in la that have great stuff but i have found that i like the stores online the best.

makie is one.

estella in ny.

orfeo in london.

stella

smallable is french.

ooh something is wrong with smallable. say it ain't so.

sleep

2011-04-16T22:29:00.000-07:00

you learn a lot about yourself when you start the parenting journey. it happens really slowly and then suddenly one day it hits you and you say to yourself "wow i knew i was undisciplined but this is really bad" or something like that. i am in the midst of discovering something but i am not sure what exactly it is. it's about how i am enabling henry somehow. to not sleep.

i am trying to educate myself on infant and baby sleep. there's a lot of literature out there. basically two camps: cry it out and attachment parents. i thought i was an attachment parent. sleeping with him in the bed and just comforting him whenever he wakes. but after 5.5 months of not ever sleeping more than 4 hours in a row i am starting to reconsider. i had a whole big meltdown yesterday over his vaccinations. which is surely another post. but because of my over reaction, i realized i am really very overly sleep deprived. and if i am, is he? and am i really kind of glad he is never asleep for more than 4 hours because i always know he's breathing? crazy mom stuff. so

it's possible that we will soon be trying the cry it out method. i am so opposed to it. but They say it's the only way. They is everyone and their mother (is it brother? who knows i woke up 6 times last night). the only person who does not do this is on the internet and i have never met them. so i am not sure they are real.

the problem with all of this rigamarole is that i have to stay home. another way i have apparently been exhausting my son is with my selfish social whirlwind. listen you try staying home and instating a schedule of eat sleep wake for two hours eat sleep wake for two hours etc and on and on. you will last approximately 2 and a half days if you are social. and no matter how much you love that little person you make a lunch date with friends. and you say you'll be home by three and then you are home by five. at least that's what i did.

so if i put it here in writing maybe i will stick to it. he's almost 6 months old!! it's a new era. sleep schedule tightened up starting this week. oh except monday we have plans with michael's family and tuesday we have that thing. hm...

thanks marty!

2011-04-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

i just realized why i started my blog. so that i could obsess over whatever i want and not have to annoy friends and family. so now that my project is baby instead of wedding why don't i continue to blog my obsessions! great perfect why didn't i think of this earlier. i think it's because i felt like i had to have a cool and inspiring blog. nope. i started this for me and if you want to read it, that's nice too! how's that for a big finger to anyone reading this? i didn't mean it that way i promise. xo

baby

2011-01-18T18:10:00.000-08:00

here's henry:

he didn't smile like that for the first 4 weeks or so. but it was worth the wait. he was born october 30, 2010. my husband michael and i lucked out. ivf worked on the first try. so a bit more than a year after that last post, we had a bebe!!

so much for a blog that transitions into the world of fertility. we weren't in that world very long. i am very grateful. we are contemplating another child since we have a very limited time span in which to do this. what should we do? one child or two? i almost don't want another because i can't imagine giving hank any less attention. like i want to shower it all on him. but of course i have not met my possible second child so it might feel different.

well, we have 3 embryos on ice. the probability that one of these will end up a baby for us is 15-20 percent. so maybe we should just go for it. and what is the probability when that stat is combined with the fact that the possibility of a live birth was 20-25 the first go round. i know it's probably independent numbers but is it really?

henry i feel like i have been waiting all of my life to meet you. i knew you'd make it.

dr

2009-09-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

i went to my gynecologist yesterday and he said i should just go straight to a fertility expert and get all of the tests done.

so i have an appointment. lots of other people seem to think this is the way to go. not covered by insurance but important to do at this late date.

not a mom yet

2009-09-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

my good friend susie suggested a new slant for me.

since i od'ed on weddings....

or, more realistically since i became wedding obsessed during planning and then came to my senses, i have been off the blog. not even looking at my own blog, not looking at any of the wedding blogs i had been haunting like a drunk at her favorite bar. i went opposite obsessed to make up for the obsession. or something like that. i can't exactly figure out the psychology of it all.

anyway, how about one couple's odyssey getting pregnant?

i am 41, he's 44 and we have never had any children.

ok so there's a start. let's see if i feel like posting again.

bye sommer

2009-06-29T13:15:00.001-07:00

thanks for all of your humor and sass and i will miss you!!

multitasking

2009-06-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

honey i didn't know you were shooting a print campaign for grey goose on our wedding day!

michael is a very talented bartender in real life - not for a living but as a social perk. and so i guess this picture is kind of apropos.

my venue-reception area

2009-06-29T12:03:00.001-07:00

after the flowers and table numbers were on the tables but before the settings were on. dance floor is in the middle. citrus at social. please click on picture and look at the ceiling for me.

the internet

2009-06-24T09:56:00.001-07:00

this is for you marty j!

i was looking at sarah from saipua's blog
which led me to these gorgeous flowers from small stump and studio choo's blog see above pictures. so pretty.
which had a link to rare device
which is where i registered for and obtained these salt and pepper cellars
see how it works?

p.s. how do you get the s & p out? little coke spoons?

it's friday here's a favorite

2009-06-19T18:06:00.001-07:00

i am a little obsessed with this wedding.

i don't know who these people are or where i got these pictures! i do know that they got married in brooklyn maybe prospect park. and their friend took the pictures. when i first started drooling over wedding porn after (well ok before) i got engaged i saw these pictures. and i just fell in love with the whole wedding. first of all how cute are they? second of all the pictures are perfect. let's see what else. they did subway pictures. they have the best expressions in all of these pictures. so happy but a little silly. i also remember she put the little embellishments on her shoes.

i saved these pictures originally to show my photographer. now i just like them. oh i also think i remember that she said she wanted the pictures to be like a fashion editorial of new york.

***********you ask you get. thanks east side bride.
Photos by Stephanie Land: http://www.stephanielandclicks.blogspot.com/

wedding jitters? part two

2009-06-18T09:54:00.001-07:00

but then i went to the sunset tower hotel and checked in and got a good night's sleep in a fluffy hotel bed. i got up and just followed the plan for the day. my best friend was with me. buy a few more flowers, eat yummy breakfast at king's road cafe, get all nails done at lanny (yelp is wrong, they rock), stop by the venue. and then go get ready. got my hair done. did my own makeup. made a little belt at the last minute to wear with my dress. borrowed dina's boss' earrings she got in india that match my ring perfectly. (and costs lots of money. they were gorgeous but i was a little nervous.) but i digress as ususal.

i was totally calm and happy and in the moment somehow! so this is the happy ending. from the moment i woke up i was nice happy well me. i felt calm but not crazy deer in headlights calm. i felt happy but not manic drunken happy just really Good! i felt like the best social incarnation of me also. i talked to almost everyone and had nice meaningful conversations.

is it because i knew there was nothing i could change at this point? that it was all set into motion and no going back? some people have suggested that it was adrenaline. i was so calm and happy like a best version of me that i think it was something other than that. i am not sure exactly what it was but i like to think i was surrounded by the people i love most in the world who were there to help me celebrate happiness.

and my wish for all of you soon to be brides is that you feel the exact same way. well maybe not the crazy part in the days before. although that had its advantages too (actually the only one i can thing of is good stories.) maybe most brides do feel this way i don't know. but they should. for one day you can't worry about anything and you remember all of these people are here for you! they are all on your side!

wedding jitters?

2009-06-17T09:52:00.000-07:00

i was a total mess in the week before my wedding. i had just finished a job 6 days prior to the wedding day, i knew i was getting the flu and would be sick on my wedding day, and the job i had completed simply WOULD NOT GO AWAY. i am freelance and sometimes little odds and ends just keep croppping up and it leads to days worked for free. which is what happened in the week before. and led to me saying things like "is god testing me?". and i don't think i really even believe in god. these kinds of things happen in my work life but i really wasn't ready for them to happen in this important week. that i had spent months envisioning.

so i took my already slightly strained relationship with my mother and took my frustration out on that! good idea huh? i thought so apparently. get it parently? my mom would ask how i wanted something to be done and i would basically act like she was crazy and say something like "well all normal people would do it this way, how were you thinking of doing it?" in a not nice tone of voice.

my relationship with my mom aside, my point is that i was stressed and let it come out in ways i don't usually. which lets me know i was really really stressed. there were some projects i had to finish that a well person would have handled just fine but sick me just wanted to go to bed. and was scared that if i didn't i would have the dreaded curse of LOOKING AWFUL IN MY WEDDING PICTURES. oh no not that!

i did end up letting some things go by the wayside. in one way, that was good. i think i purposely would let people do things without standing over them and micromanaging because i planned to go home and go to bed. (SO I WOULDN'T LOOK BAD IN PICTURES) but i was really worried, during all of this stress, about how i would react on the wedding day. i really really wanted to enjoy this big party i was throwing.

i left the rehearsal dinner early i was feeling so shitty. actually my friends forced me to leave. i was sitting there feeling miserable and i think it showed on my face. who am i kidding i know it did. everything shows on my face. witness the evidence:

i really did have a cute dress on. it was just so cold in the backyard i had to have a sweater.

for the right couple

2009-06-16T15:49:00.000-07:00

from etsy seller melabo. there's also a balding groom figure.

this cake topper is fantastic. saw it on a farmhouse wedding blog.

my favorite wedding pictures

2009-06-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

i am obsessed with these flowers and vessels. my florist/friend leslie took these pictures of her handiwork and it is definitely my best detail of the wedding. besides the groom.

favorite things friday

2009-06-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

it is impossible to take a bad picture there.

naked hippies on gay head. i mean aquinnah. they changed the name back to the original indian/native american one. picture by peter simon.

so, joslyn at simple lovely has a series called favorite things. she has guest bloggers do this. i just started thinking about that and wanted to do *my own* favorite things.

this morning (and every morning) my favorite thing is martha's vineyard. the island off the coast of cape cod. not the fancy preppy one (nantucket), but the cool hippie and somewhat racially varied one. ok they are both pretty preppy and upscale. and there's definitely a WASP vibe there.

but there is something first of all about being on island. you are more isolated, less chance to leave. and that makes it special. you have to make a real effort to get there, either on a small plane or on a ferry. you are forced to slow down, the whole thing is only 20 miles across. and the light!! the light there is spectacular. probably partly because it's filtered thru lots of vegetation that is wild and everywhere. of course this is in the summer, that is the only time i have been there yet.

and there is something fascinating to me about little subcultures in the united states. on martha's vineyard you will find the people who are truly preppy, no irony about it. pink (nantucket red) pants on men, pants with sailboats, polo shirts, etc. etc.

i went there for the first time about 8 years ago. before that, i had only been to the cape, not the islands. when i was in elementary school i had a friend with a house on the vineyard. and then over the years people would mention it to me; they said i would love it. it started to seem like a kind of pull. when i finally went, i fell in love.

i got engaged here. and i try to go every summer for at least a week. here's what we do there:

get up have coffee and farmer's market breakfast. on the rainy days go to the best diner ever in vineyard haven (oh yeah mv has 5 towns and nantucket only one. more to do.) and then wander around to antique stores and galleries. on the sunny days go to the beach. go to a different one every day. ride your bike as much as possible. go into town for happy hour. or have it on the deck. have a bbq or go to dinner or go to a fair and eat a lobster roll. more drinks. go to bed. get up do the same thing again.

my friends take good pics

2009-06-11T22:23:00.001-07:00

courtesy of claudia.

this made me want to have dinner parties with printed menus

2009-06-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

chickens last seen roaming the ranch? so cute.

can you read it? it's fantastic. from a honeymoon dinner served in room at manka's inverness lodge.

iphone pictures

2009-06-07T17:47:00.000-07:00

these are from our honeymoon, the last leg of it. from the top, drake's bay oyster. all they have is oysters so bring your own drinks and sides and a shucking knife. go to cowgirl creamery and pick up picnic lunch or snacks, their food is soooo good. next is the bathtub and cement floor with white painted line that i was obsessed with in inverness. we stayed at manka's inverness lodge and i loved loved the bathroom. the whole place but reallly the bathroom. next three are views while walking up and then down to point reyes light. and the last is michael at osteria stellina in pt. reyes. very yummy food. he is laughing and hiding the moustache i made him grow on our honeymoon. there's a guy in the background with a groovy moustache that i compared him to and he did this.

new hampshire

2009-06-04T20:28:00.000-07:00

i always secretly thought you were cooler than cali. and now it know it's true.

how is it possible that 5 of 6 new england states now allow gay marriage and we can't? you know-- new england: really preppy, some towns are dry, you can't buy alcohol except in state regulated stores (packy to you and me). you know THAT place?

withdrawal

2009-06-04T15:30:00.001-07:00

poster child for withdrawal. before lindsay and those other pretenders.

i am having total party planning withdrawal. anyone in los angeles need help planning their wedding??

some pics from guests

2009-06-04T11:29:00.000-07:00

dancing pictures! i don't know what my dad and i are saying here but it's cute. he might be warning me because right after this we had our dance (michael and his mom danced at the same time top picture). he was really good and did a bunch of cute funny moves. crowd pleaser.
he surprised me i guess we haven't danced since i was 12 and embarrassed by the whole thing. you forget that men over a certain age actually know how to dance and don't mind doing it. a lot of the guys in my generation stood around looking uncomfortable while their wives or dates danced.

new wife

2009-06-02T01:06:00.000-07:00

getting married brings up all kinds of questions like "will i continue to blog about weddings?" "will wedding details even interest me any further?" and "should i change my blog name?". also "if i do keep blogging what will i talk about?".

luckily i have tons of pictures and rants and mistakes and triumphs to still post. so i can meditate on those very deep questions.

here's another question i have. everyone says you feel so different after you are married. that you can live together and be serious and have a very committed relationship but YOU WILL feel different after the ceremony. are these people all crazy? after one week of marriage i am going to go out on a limb and say that the only difference i feel is that i have a lot of boxes to unpack now whereas i had a lot of boxes to pack before. of wedding crap like candles and vases i mean.

but seriously. when i decided to commit to michael i started to work on it. i realized i am very independent and used to doing things the mimi way. without asking anyone.
i mean it's been a long time of just me. so i have made a conscious effort to involve him ask his opinion and make group decisions. i have seen progress i am proud of. i asked a few times what he thought before i bought a car the other day! good job miriam.

realizing that this new sharing also signifies a giving up of the self and therefore a scary next step in the giving of love/sharing of a life process. the old "if i give i better not get hurt" thoughts start to come up. (am i making sense here? does everyone feel this way or just some of us?) and ladies and gentleman drumroll please he is giving back! he is also working on making this a union, a partnership, a love affair with practical overtones!

so no i don't feel different. when i said i would marry him i started to be a wife. or a least i will say that i started to work on being the kind of partner that i want to be. and i don't need paper to start that effort.

ok well talk to me in a few months i could be crazy.

it was really weird when i heard him call me his wife. hee hee.

the regret part

2009-06-01T20:07:00.000-07:00

actually i don't know if that is a good word. but i got really really sick with a flu kind of illness 5 days before my wedding and let a lot of stuff go. it was really hard. i don't know if regret is correct as much as that i was just unable to do stuff. i had to keep taking naps. so there were things i look back on and wish had gone better. seriously it wasn't anything big. and maybe that's just part of the art of letting stuff go. who knows maybe i would have done it the same way if i were well.

for example: the ice cream cart guy did not show up for the rehearsal dinner. and i did nothing about it. a healthy me would have sent someone out for cake. or something.

don't get me wrong. the whole thing was a wonderful few days of friends and family and love and catching up and more love.

it's just funny how i keep going over how i would have done stuff differently. and i suppose that would be true regardless. nothing ever goes exactly as planned.

just to get it off my chest here is the list:

1. finish small craft projects weeks ahead instead of assuming i would have time to do it in the last few weeks. uh duh. it did however create a nice "friends helping me out" atmosphere one day.
2. hire a day of coordinator. especially when i had to take an intense job that ended 6 days before the wedding. there were valet parking problems at the wedding and i wish i had been more buttoned up with the ipod deal during the ceremony. small glitches. but michael had to deal with stuff and for a few hundred more he would not have.
3. the dress. i keep having dress regret. i don't know if i ever would have been happy period. but i was really insistent on saving money and i think another 4oo would have made a difference. as in just get the dress you want for 1200 and not the one that you kind of want for 800.
4. there were things i thought of and then didn't set up: who would put on boutonierres? where would bride and groom sit just before ceremony and who would be there? (since we had no bridal party). if you think of something like that, deal with it. and then it's done.
5. i already said the dessert at the rehearsal dinner. i knew that guy might not show.

i feel better already.

i am back

2009-06-01T10:22:00.000-07:00

guess where we went. i will give you a hint. the bridge is kind of orange but it's called golden.

we got back from the honeymoon last night. yes the whole thing was a bit of a whirlwind, i expected that. but i got sick a few days before the wedding. that was a real bummer that i had a hard time getting over. i was so "why of all weeks do i have to be sick now!?" sniff sniff. i did get over it (mentally, not physically) but the net net of it was that i blew off a lot of little things i wanted to deal with and enjoyed myself less than i should have. at least at the rehearsal dinner. somehow by the wedding i was back to semi normal.

dessert

2009-05-17T13:57:00.000-07:00

my guy's cart is not a bike. and there was no seagull following him.

los angeles has a really great supply of guys with carts or trucks selling yummy, mostly mexican style, food. at lunch time there's a taco truck on every block it seems. then there are the fruit guys. they have a cart where they cut up melon, pineapple, jicama for you and then they squeeze lime and chili on the whole thing. mmmm. then there are the cute ice cream cart guys. they sell ice cream but it's all mexican brands and styles. there's a tres leches bar i think. i once had a cucumber/chili popsicle that was salty and sweet. there are lots of women on corners selling tamales. my friends and i think that has something to do with the sox winning the world series in o4. but that's a story for another day.

we decided to have taco tony cater our rehearsal dinner number one because it's cost effective and fun. but also because it's a taste of la. so the obvious dessert would be the fruit guy or the ice cream guy right? well all of the fruit guys i talked to wanted a lot of money to come by. seemed excessive. so i started to try to find an ice cream cart guy. i did, he had a cart just a mile or two from where the rehearsal dinner will be. i asked him if he could come by after dinner on the day. and i got his phone number. i just called him. the message was in spanish. i left a pathetic spanglesh message that he may or may not understand. it's going to be interesting to see if he shows up! i think he will. if not, i will send someone out for ice cream bars. but the little carts are so cute!!!

my friends are the best

2009-05-15T17:03:00.000-07:00

pictures from my shower. that is the best m & m picture i could find. my face looks really wide and strange and michael's looks long but it's us, for sure. i realize in looking at these that i should have taken leslie's camera and taken a picture of her, there aren't any! so thanks leslie for taking the pictures and thanks dina and gretchen and leslie for a special day leading up to my special day. that sounded goofy. but you know what i mean.

shower

2009-05-15T02:13:00.000-07:00

i had the most perfect shower last weekend. my friends all pulled together, even though they are not really friends, and we all drank champagne and ate caviar and had a lovely afternoon. it really made me realize that i have the right friends. it was just the right shower for me. my friend dina made everyone gift bags of little caviar spoons, shot glass for the vodka, jar of mozzarella and tomato and olive oil, flask engraved with everyone's names and little bags of m and m's with my face and michael's on them!!! my friend leslie brought beautiful flowers and my friend gretchen provided the venue: her gorgeous house and the caviar. everyone brought a bottle of champagne, there were some yummy ones there i wish i had taken note of the kinds i liked. and then everyone brought undies for me. i could not ask for more. i have to get some pics.

t minus 13 days

2009-05-11T22:18:00.000-07:00

i don't know how but i think i am getting calmer and calmer and less nervous. ok that was a little repetitive. but you know what i mean! i was very uptight and precise in the beginning planning stages. and i made great lists and projects and plans. then i got closer to the day and crossed them all off of my lists. i changed the seating for the ceremony to save myself the hassle of decorating the room. i talked myself out of extra flower arrangements for such areas as the bars. (good job self you saved some money there.) i have even cut out some of my planned beauty treatments. it just all seems so excessive. it's going to be fantastic without all that stuff i can just tell. please let this feeling of calm last and not be a big fakeout.

work

2009-05-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

what does this have to do with my post? i don't know but can you believe this?

work gets in the way of wedding planning. i guess we need to pay for it all somehow though. not that my job could finance this party but it helps a bit.

2009-05-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

no i am not doing baskets in the bathroom, welcome baskets, welcome maps or activity lists, favors, programs, my own menus, or i am sure there is more i could be doing. but i keep remembering little things like for example pens!!! for the guest book. it should be nice with a little sign right? thanks for reminding me ellie and good luck!!

picture of ellie's jar from her blog mint design

the down side to not having bridesmaids

2009-05-06T17:57:00.000-07:00

don't these girls look fun? maybe i should see if they are available for bridesmaid duty?

so at first i thought i was being really considerate. i am not having maids and he's not having men. we are not making anyone buy clothes or feel responsible for throwing showers or bachelor parties. my friends can come and have fun and not have to hold flowers or feel obligated to help me "get ready". we won't look silly surrounded in our pictures by matching people. and i don't have to offend anyone by choosing the maid of honor. perfect right? and even coolest, we are having the couple who introduced us sign the license, be our witnesses. shout out to seth and susie.

there is a downside!!! for example my friend dina said the other day that my shower had trouble getting off the ground because no one was in charge. if there were a maid of honor she would know it was her responsibility. also i ended up asking people for help with bridesmaid type duties anyway. my girls are technically my maids, they just don't get the honor (dubious honor?) of being asked and wearing a special dress. another issue: who to invite to the rehearsal dinner? it's supposed to be the wedding party. there are obvious people who would have been in the wedding party if there were one. should i have them there?

and we need ushers so michael's brothers are doing us the honor. well would they be happier being singled out as groomsmen while performing this duty? or are they glad they won't be forced to escort around for half the night a woman they don't know?

as i read this post over it sounds like silly whining. these are not exactly problems of a large magnitude. just an interesting realization.

and that's the reason i have this blog. to talk about inane things like that and blow off steam....

in other news, i checked candles and hair appointment off the list today!

i hope this is the thing

2009-05-05T21:59:00.000-07:00

that goes wrong. my photographer is stepping aside because of illness in her family, actually her new husband. so far, i am not panicking and am able to keep this in perspective. she found a great backup and i have a possible backup too.

i am a little dazed by the contrast: illness, a hard and scary thing to go through in life vs. a wedding, joyous new beginnings.

but i also know that her husband is going to be ok.

match project

2009-05-04T20:11:00.001-07:00

i am covering matches that match the lining of the invitation envelopes. think anyone will notice? it's not very easy getting the size right but the sticker machine, the xyron sticker machine sure makes it easier. and i learned to make the stickers a little big and wrap the edges and they look almost perfect now.

rsvp

2009-05-03T21:44:00.000-07:00

please!! just let us know if you are or are not! if you aren't sure we'd even take that as a kind of answer.

wish i remember where that image is from cuz it deserves credit.

i like these tables

2009-05-01T16:21:00.001-07:00

you probably didn't need all of this information but it was attached. and i can't take it off.

for the rehearsal dinner which is more of a party with food.

the real fakey

2009-04-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

please click on this photo to read the secret message at the bottom of the certificate.

oh i get it. we get a nice for show certificate along with the real one. that's showbiz for you i guess. only in la?

it's still not as pretty as this one. i was kinda hoping for something like that.

oh. maybe not then.

2009-04-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

i think this is how i would have to get that magnolia blossom. please see yesterday's post.

image from the magnolia company.

new bouquet

2009-04-29T13:42:00.001-07:00

is there a tiny bug in there? even better.

what kind of flower is this? i think that this is my bouquet if i can find anything like it.

photo from victoria pearson via east side bride via simple lovely
both posts about simplifying....

wedding malaise or just reality

2009-04-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

i had this idea first! i wanted to do tall single flower arrangments on this sideboard before they did it.

for some reason lately my drive to create lots of perfect thoughtful wedding details is slowing down. i wonder if this is a function of the economy or my waning attention span or some type of wedding overload. i have 3.5 weeks left and i just deleted a couple of details from the big list. lanterns in the trees at the rehearsal dinner? whatever. hurricane votives for the aisle? waste of money. slaving over the rehearsal invites? oh just get it in the mail. shave my legs before the wedding? like we will have enough energy for sex that night anyway. kidding!!

i think that just the shiny sheen from the fact that heidi and spencer had their wedding reception at my venue will make it all ok.

kidding!!!

picture by noa of featherlove photography
which by the way looks really great and is having a giveaway to may brides!!!!

p.s. have you seen the intro on the flashdance website? go check it out, it's perfect. old b & w film of jackie and jfk and priscilla and elvis and maybe grace and her prince? i mention this because he was h and s's dj and i kind of wanted to book him but already had our guy booked. it's like heidi and spencer and miriam and michael are the same people......eerie.

it's hard to come home from really great trips

2009-04-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

ok still on a high from that trip! it was just so fun. while i was in boston i got to shop at one of my favorite places: louis of boston. it's not cheap. the candy bar with the beautiful packaging that kind of looks like an official document? $15. but one of the best candies i have ever tasted. the bottom pic was in a burst of enthusiasm for the events of the weekend. i took a pic of my sox ticket in situ ---that's the home store part of louis in the background.

for my birthday last summer i received a louis gift certificate that i never got to use so i used it to purchase perfectly frivolous items. candy and clothes i would never normally purchase.

boston bachelorette**

2009-04-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

hey there's my foot in the lower right. i was standing on the window ledge in a strange position to get this.

it's not a great picture but i was trying to capture the view from my room at the sheraton. i was there just one night and was not expecting much, i got a super bargain rate on priceline. (we moved to the liberty the next night, very nice.)

anyway i got up to my 24th floor room and saw a pretty industrial view of the river, it was rainy, a little gloomy. then i noticed the citgo sign. hey that means fenway is nearby. in the pic you can see the lights of fenway to the left of the freeway. it was the first game in a series of 3 against the yankees. that got me pretty pumped up for my whole weekend.

the weeeknd was designed around these red sox vs. yankees tickets we got via my friend jodi's connections. seats which were 10 rows from the field. not my ususal seats i must admit. it was very exciting. and may i remind those of you who don't know or really care that the sox swept the yankees and that the saturday game we attended the final score was 16-11 sox. go sox.

**disclaimer
i hate the idea of bachelorette parties. i always get mad when someone asks friends to travel and spend hundreds or thousand of dollars on a bachelor vacation. but my friends arranged this whole thing and who am i to say no to sick sick seats at fenway? there was not a ton of binge drinking but there was some. and just a little vomiting. living cliche i am.

invites

2009-04-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

5 weeks ladies and steve

2009-04-20T18:09:00.000-07:00

dear other brides:

it may be different for you, but for me the 5 week mark seems to be the start of the crazy season.

it all started with my mom coming into town to attend the first shower this past weekend. as soon as she landed, mom and i ran around town buying bras and shoes and other wedding stuff. then i got sick. don't say it was in my head please. it might have been. while i was sick we attended the -very lovely- shower given by the groom's family's ladies. i just dropped mom off at lax. and now i am writing thank you notes for shower gifts, stamping and addressing rehearsal invites, receiving presents already thoughtfully dropped on our doorstep by the usps, and packing for the bachelorette party this weekend. the weekend which starts wednesday as everbody knows. now i am not complaining. it's all fun stuff and i asked for it all. but it's getting busy and crazy and i don't see a break before the wedding.

just wanted to let you know.

love, miriam

p.s. also please notice that in this moment i am blogging and not writing or packing. just an observation.

happy 420

2009-04-20T17:59:00.001-07:00

she wrapped the paper in what apparently passes for scrap paper in her studio. in my house it is a treasure.

invite liner paper

i'm kidding! well ok let's see i am not really kidding. i mean i am not really political when it comes to pot. other people should smoke the hell out of it for all i care. it makes me a little paranoid. but it just seems kind of goofy to have a special get high time and date. cocktail hour i can get behind though.

i asked my fabulous stationer ( i have a stationer, yes) to send me the scraps leftover from the envelope linings of the invitations. i am going to cover matchbooks to put on the reception tables. to light the escort cards. thereby eliminating the need to put candles on tables and light them. but creating a need for special fancy matches. make sense? goood.
(don't worry the escort cards are candles. although lighting paper escort cards would be an exciting new tradition)

i never used to call them bouts

2009-04-20T10:55:00.000-07:00

moody pic of ranunculus and coffee berry bout.

oohh that's a bad iphone pic. but i made a boutonierre! it's not that hard. and i don't know if this one is the exact one i will do but it makes it easier to get my head around doing my own flowers.

an other engagement photo i like

2009-04-18T09:57:00.000-07:00

anybody who lives in la recognize this building? i drive by it all the time and i appreciate it even more now.

photo by jen berry

engagement photos more

2009-04-17T16:30:00.000-07:00

strrrreeeetch that neck and stick out that chin for good looking pictures

i'm short.

couple more engagement photos. there are lots i like but my computer is slow and it took so long to upload i got impatient. the top one is interesting to me because i did my makeup the way i thought i might do it for the wedding. what do you think? the false lashes really help let me tell you! the only problem is that the wedding is at night, it may not be enough makeup for night time.

the bottom picture i thought was really cute. guess what we are doing? kissing!

photos taken by jen berry

things i need for a project i haven't planned yet

2009-04-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

papier valise has a blog! scissor variations. very inspiring.
or i suppose i should say the owner of papier valise has a blog. janice i believe. stores don't start their own blogs.

engagement sneak peek and a new friend

2009-04-12T15:20:00.001-07:00

jen berry, our photographer and new friend, posted a picture of us. this pic would be perfect if i were trying to be anonymous. which i guess i kind of started out doing because everyone else is. but really i don't care who sees this blog or knows what a dork i am. wow i am good at digressing.

so anyway here is a picture from out engagement shoot! it's so pretty i am so excited that jen is shooting our wedding!

those blinds are ugly

2009-04-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

this was absolutely the only normal looking picture of pipe and drape i could find.

i have gotten quotes of between 600 and 750 to use pipe and drape to cover one wall in the room where we are having our ceremony. granted, it's the wall everyone will be staring at during the ceremony. but come on how much? i can buy an antique screen for that price and then keep it for my home. trying to come up with an alternative but not feeling it yet.

picture from party rentals in devine dot com.

everything i see i relate back to weddings.

2009-04-10T17:48:00.000-07:00

a medium at forever 21 probably would be too small for me. i'm a size six.

i don't mean to advocate child labor or slave wages here but i saw this dress at forever 21 while i was working yesterday. also i don't mean to advocate bad quality and synthetic fabrics. oh yeah and i don't want to advocate sizism, if there is such a thing. but but i could not help thinking this would make an adorable wedding dress or special occasion dress for some (thin) chic cost conscious woman. it's $27.80. looks like it cost more. the grosgrain ribbon is especially appealing to me.

easy to read table numbers

2009-04-09T21:24:00.000-07:00

if you look closely you will see two ms wedding mags, a tj's pepper grinder, mums in a vase and my brown linen napkins that take the place of paper and don't show dirt.

i did a sample table number sign using bickham script as the font and i loved it but it was too hard to read. so i did these using some font called blair mdl tt tc. it looks a little like the copperplate we have on the invites. i think i like it better really.

i used water color paper from the art store and trimmed it to fit and somehow fed it thru my printer without breaking it. so the table numbers are on very heavy stock and cost about twelve dollars to make.

ha i just realized this is not the first, not the second, but the third table number post i have had! that's a little kooky. thank god for the blog where i can vomit out boring information.

marriage license

2009-04-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

we went and got the license today. there were at least 5 other couples there at the same time. we are not the only ones getting married, how strange.

they only take cash and checks fyi. we were not the only ones who had to leave and go to an atm.

judging from the other peoples faces', ok maybe i eavesdroppped, this is a fairly stressful procedure. couple number one left their phone and had to return. couple two didn't have the proper i.d. (huh? how?) couple three-that's us- didn't have cash or check. neither did couple four. couple five wanted to know the distinct differences between public and private licenses (very intriguing!) and the last couple was after us so i didn't get to see what their special problem was.

isn't this license pretty? ours looks like a terrible government form.

image from frontierfamilies.net

guest book

2009-04-07T18:23:00.000-07:00

i stamped that myself. you can probably tell. i didn't mean to make it so crooked.

i was only going to have one if i found a very cool guest book idea. i found a very cool guest book idea. i was at the salvation army store today. the one where a local bridal salon dumps some of their silk dresses. (again los angeles brides please comment or email me if you want the location, they charge thirty five dollars!). i digress.

they had these two books with record sleeves inside. the one i got was grey and green like my invite envelopes. (no wedding colors here. can't bring myself to do it.) not that they will be anywhere near those invites but it makes me happy. anyway, the records inside had genius names like "band of gold" "hugs and kisses" and "i love you". but wait there's even better songs on these 78's. like "whiteman stomp" (that will be us) and "the naughty lady of shady lane" (my girlfriends) and "goofus" (all michael's friends. kidding!!). there's even a "oui oui marie" for michael's french canadian dad who is married to his mom mary.

the plan is to have people sign the sleeves. maybe the odd book will inspire fun messages.

tell me if i am crazy or bored or focused on the wrong things

2009-04-07T08:40:00.000-07:00

i THINK am working a little too hard on finding liners for the envelopes for the rehearsal dinner invites. you know, the insides of envelopes that are going to be glanced at and thrown away?

i found a pattern i liked but it was too heavy, it was cover. it was inside of a martha stewart scrapbooking collection. which i don't want: everything in it but my paper is weird. i want to return it. but first, i started to make copies of it so it's on normal weight paper. soo i go to kinko's/fedex around the corner. then i look at the grand total for two copies-- $2.95! and made a loud noise that might have been a swear word at kinko's. then i came home and made copies on the printer copier scanner thing which promptly ran out of ink. i have one more ink cartridge and i think that will determine how much farther this project goes.

my contact at our venue told me i am the easiest bride ever quote unquote. and i told her yeah but there will be things i am crazy about.....

throwing your own rehearsal dinner

2009-04-06T13:16:00.001-07:00

is harder than throwing the big party that is your reception. for me anyway. i think it happens this way:

oh it's in the back yard.
so it's casual
so i will do it all myself (beware)
and handmake stuff
it'll be fun.

huh? how will it be fun, it will be stressful.

anyway the good news is that i found a cool way to do tables.

pictures are from classic party rents in culver city.

engagement photos

2009-04-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

ok so it was really fun. if you have a chance to do it, do it! first of all jen and her husband steve were realllly easy and fun to be with. very professional at the same time. we love that mix of qualities! they had all kinds of cute shots ready as ideas, which they planned around locations that are special to me and michael.

and the second and surprising thing was that it was a romantic day for us. when you have to act romantic you start to feel it. plus jen and steve are newlyweds. i found myself feeling really close and glowy with michael. awwwww.

i am so happy to have jen and steve documenting our wedding, i think we made a really good choice in them.

www.jenberry.com

fancy calligraphy

2009-04-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

we decided to forego the mr and mrs. too many m's. it's prettier this way.

this is one of my invites. how cool is dina's writing? i hope the post office thinks it's cool. i don't care though, i love it! i also wonder in that great big place where they process mail, who counts up the denominations on the stamps and makes sure it adds up to 42 or that it needs more postage?

dumb

2009-04-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

we are having engagement photos taken in an hour. i have no idea what to wear and i am A WARDROBE STYLIST. i honestly think i am scared of wearing what i think looks good on me and then seeing photographic (undeniable) evidence that it really does not. and it's cold and sunny and i don't like bright colors when it's cold out and i shouldn't wear black. hmmm.
i am only doing this because our photog wants stuff for her book. she's cool.

i am a florist now

2009-04-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

i will be a florist for another seven weeks and then i will retire.

i had to fill out two different forms recently that asked for my florist and i entered my own name. i mean mostly me with help from friends. so on one of my friend's birthdays i decided i should practice my new craft. or is that a trade? anyway i made her an arrangement (and that bottle is a magnum of champagne).

i think it looks good but i am going to keep practicing.

scrub

2009-04-01T15:02:00.000-07:00

i made a body scrub for myself recently after i found one at my mom's house that her friend had made for her. it seemed so easy so i just made my own. i actually just put in jojoba oil from trader joe's and sugar. and then i just sprayed in my perfume and let it sit a little so the alcohol would evaporate. easy. and my skin is different. it's so much softer.

so i thought it would be a good present for my friend dina. she is doing the calligraphy on the invites as a favor. and i knew she would get all funny if i bought a thank you present. so homemade scrub! i just cleaned out a marmalade jar that looked cool and added a spoon to get it out with. i put in the oil and brown sugar and coffee and vanilla extract and coconut extract. smelled very good. it's ugly as you can see but it worked, i tested it.

then i brought it over with the envelopes. and she finished all of the invites except a few strays. the day also turned out to be a purse swap. i liked hers she liked mine temporary switch. save money don't buy a new purse.

invites

2009-03-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

despite months of planning my invites are due to arrive today. which is about 8 weeks before. it's not late but it's close.

and i can't believe how nervous and excited i am to see them. honestly can't fathom how goofy i am right now.

toast

2009-03-25T00:45:00.000-07:00

is two months long enough to go out and make friends who are OBVIOUSLy somehow involved in musical theater? i always kind of hated musical theater until now.

this video

i saw via coin purse's blog.

very impressive.

p.s. except west side story. and does south pacific count?

wine country honeymoon

2009-03-23T02:10:00.000-07:00

here's an idea: go on your honeymoon to the places you considered as venues and rejected because of expense. like solage in calistoga.

love

2009-03-23T02:07:00.000-07:00

i have always wanted this. the feeling sillly, not the card.

here's why i waited to get married.

photo from this etsy shop

i love cake!

2009-03-17T19:35:00.000-07:00

please chant with me: cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake!

actually not true. i generally don't like cake unless it's saturated with booze or extra extra moist. but i once said that really loudly and apparently in a funny way when i was eating this ice cream flavor called cake.

anyway. this is my new perfect ultimate cake inspiration photo. i finally found it today on lovely morning blog. she was actually writing about seeing this exhibit in palm springs. it is wayne thiebaud. he is a california artist who must also like cake. or cake ice cream.

2009-03-16T23:50:00.000-07:00

oh hello i am very very very cute. i am small and cute.

our photographer 's services were a gift from a very dear and astute friend. now that is a good wedding gift huh?

my co-worker/friend/wedding photographer jen berry has been stealthily becoming a photographer on the weekends. admirable to have that kind of passion.

check out her blog.

ceremony development

2009-03-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

will you love her all your life and will you take her for your wife?

my dad does not want to be our officiant. which is fine, i want everyone to have a good time and be comfortable. i think he has a really specific role in his mind and it's one of the gracious host and the walker down the aisle.

we ended up going with the guy who is michael's family friend. which i am comfortable with. we met with him and his wife and they were both so supportive and sweet. he has performed 5 ceremonies, including his son's. and they are all still married these people. i like the idea that he has only done a few. so he's not slick and rehearsed but he's still experienced. but i guess i thought he would be writing the ceremony or somehow dictating some of it. nope. he said "ok so write the ceremony and i will say it". oh. so we better get on that.

it seemed a little intimidating. until i found the perfect words in a very surprising place. at about.com. really? we found a lot of what we will have fredo say here. we were struggling a little yesterday because everything we found was so religious or was just off. this sample ceremony is just right for us. not too sappy and practical but welcoming and sweet. and they have the dr. seuss style vows on their site. which i could not really do but i think is so funny. my friend dina mentioned these but i didn't know it was such a popular idea.

rehearsal dinner invites

2009-03-11T20:39:00.000-07:00

another thing to think about. when do these get sent out? don't i need all rsvp answers in order to send them?

i think i blogged about this before but i am using the little man in the sombrero on my invites. i got paper i love and i will just stamp and print on my crap printer. i like the other two stamps too i was feeling some regret. but my custom made stamp is done courtesy of (and the pictures are from):

sugarskull's etsy shop.

it's almost a little over two months away and i don't understand why i am not crazed. i know there is a lot of stuff that will have to happen closer to the day. better rest up.

escort cards

2009-03-06T12:24:00.000-08:00

will the fire marshall be ok with this? safety first!!

i have been thinking about this lovely idea for escort cards. i already have the candles, how much can those stickers be? it's a cool idea i saw on victoria with roses. and she got it from the pissed off bride. great name.

so the candles. i guess they would already be lit? is there a safety issue here? would people be able to see those stickers? and let's see, what else am i worrying about probably needlessly. my wedding is a little under 3 months away apparently now is the time that i start to ramp up the obsessing over nothing. or at least something very insignificant.

picture by tm photography.

omg flowers again

2009-02-26T14:52:00.000-08:00

i believe these are green poms. they look fake.

went to the flower mart, found a cheap vase, bought it. i will use it for reception centerpieces. arranged a basic plan for the flowers ! yay check off list. i did all this with the help of my super tasteful and helpful friend leslie who blogged about our fun excursion on her blog cozyland. that flower mart is so cool. little bit like kid in a candy store. it will be fun to do the wedding flowers partly just to go in there and buy tons of stuff at once.

i also made a boutonierre and it was really easy. but it's a little wilted today. hmmm. don't want to be making bouts on my wedding day do i? probably won't be capable of that.

fergalicious

2009-02-23T19:00:00.000-08:00

sorry i threw up a little writing that.

fergie's ring is really cool. it's from h. stern which i now know is a brazilian company. not really on my radar before. still won't be i assume.

ok i know it's 3 carats which is excessive. in my world, not in hers. in her's it's downright circumspect. i just like the design. by the way, did you see her hair? it looked dirty to me. i saw her new husband standing outside a club the other day. he's very cute.

oh goody flowers again

2009-02-20T14:19:00.001-08:00

i like the varied heights and sizes of the arrangements. tablecloth is cool too.

same arrangement, without sign and with.

hoot and heart arrangement via green wedding shoes

i guess when you are doing your own flowers and you want it to be beautiful you are allowed to constantly revise and research. change mind and go back and forth. hopefully not waste too much money on vessels you won't use. here are some more pics of greenery i love. the top three pics are from dandelion ranch here in los angeles. the bottom arrangement from hoot and heart is there for color and the fun of an artichoke.

invites

2009-02-19T18:41:00.000-08:00

i was back and forth with my stationer -no- my letterpress person today. we have decided on the layout and design. which is kind of what i did here. and i know the paper and size it's being printed on. but now i have to decide on the colors and any extras. liner, ribbon to tie together etc. it's not that easy for someone who is not a graphic designer but apparently i cannot leave it to the professionals. and now instead of the paper i had intended to use that i already own, i was thinking of using this paper above for the envelope liner . i am kind of obsessing on it. i don't even think it really matches the chartreuse and charcoal ink on cream stock i want to use. but i don't think i care. matching is for p*ssies.

paper from papermojo

papier valise

2009-02-17T16:39:00.000-08:00

this canadian store papier valise has been featured in a bunch of different blogs lately. they have a lot of stuff that i need. i am not sure what i need it for. but maybe that is because they have merchandised everything so french and pretty. that o could be my new last name. ribbon for wrapping my bouquet? see i do need this stuff.

big cartel

2009-02-13T23:49:00.000-08:00

these are for grinding herbs.

these are for whipped cream

i just came across this site that seems like etsy on crack. a younger hipper etsy maybe? big cartel.
there was one site (above) that was selling whippets. no i meant whipped cream cartridges.and also herb grinders.

here is a hidden very thin flask:

see it? me neither.

they also had other stores with nice paper and jewelry and cards. i kind of like this store.

they had felt corsages for 30 pounds. sterling that is. more expensive than etsy. what does this have to do with weddings? i do not know. except that one comes across this stuff while researching. and it's interesting. this store was good too. they have good antique jewelry.

pictures all from big cartel.

flower ideas

2009-02-09T10:49:00.000-08:00

in one place, the inspiration for the flowers that will go into the ceremony room and the cocktail hour rooms. first two are hoot and heart, a shop around the corner from me, others from saipua i believe, except maybe the long viney one? the first two are for the colors i might like to have. it really just depends on what i find at the mart that day. the next three are shape inspiration. i really can't stand the thought of pyramid shapes with big lillies sticking out of the top. i guess this shape i want could be described as wild and organic? anyway, since i plan to do this with friends, here is my direction for shape. actually i like all the colors except that red. one minute i am convinced i can do it all and make it fabulous and the next i am thinking it's going to look like a crazy mish mosh and not look great. i guess we'll find out!

table numbers again

2009-02-09T10:32:00.000-08:00

i do not remember where i got this. i would be surprised if it were not courtesy of martha.

each wedding topic is revisited i guess. first i think about it. a lot. then i execute. then i start to change my mind. then i go with one of the original ideas.

i was thinking of putting together table numbers today. i don't work today, i start a job tomorrow and i figured better start using these days off or suddenly time will run out. i don't really know how i plan to do this, i know i don't want the stands that one usually sees so i collected a bunch of house numbers and some old sign letters from ebay and from hardware stores.

so you can see from that old post that i have some fairly worn looking numbers, not as pretty as in the pic. my sign numbers came in box just like in the picture above just again not as photo worthy. but. i like them! i just need to figure out how they are getting attached and set up. i like that laurel wreath but i am not having table cloths that might be an issue. don't want to have to worry about that on my wedding day. it needs to be self contained and easy to plop down on the table. let's see what i can figure out today.

tasting

2009-02-08T10:37:00.000-08:00

on thursday we had our tasting for the reception dishes and cake. it was really good. it reinforced our decision to go with the venue. everyone was super nice and the food was delicious. the woman who is our contact there also had some cool ideas i had not thought of. so far i am really happy and getting excited. actually the cake part was not that exciting, i don't really like cake. but that's ok i probably won't have but a bite anyway.

we kind of picked our venue based on the fact that the people that work there are so responsive and helpful and of course time will tell but i think it is an important factor. the whole thing would be less pleasurable if i had to worry about things getting done.

it was nice to see the place looking good and not all torn apart for a shoot.